Leadership is Forgiveness: It Starts With Me
We’ve all been taught that good leadership is about forgiving others, being compassionate, and bringing empathy into our roles. But how often do we stop to consider the importance of forgiving ourselves? Too often, we carry the weight of every mistake we’ve ever made, as if each one somehow makes us more accountable. In some ways, holding onto that guilt may even feel like responsibility. But research tells us something different: self-forgiveness isn’t just a luxury; it’s the very foundation of a resilient, sustainable kind of leadership—one that leaves a real legacy.
Here’s the thing: self-forgiveness does not mean that we are letting ourselves off the hook. It does mean that we are embracing accountability in a way that allows us to grow. That’s where the “4 R’s of Forgiveness” come into play.
Responsibility means acknowledging where we’ve stumbled and owning our mistakes without trying to bury them or pass them off. For leaders, this means we’re willing to be vulnerable enough to say, “I got it wrong here,” not just to others but to ourselves. Responsibility is the first step in allowing ourselves to move forward instead of remaining stuck in the past.
Remorse follows naturally once we’ve accepted responsibility. Feeling remorse means we genuinely recognize the impact of our actions and decisions—not as a tool for self-punishment but as an opportunity to understand and grow. It’s what reminds us that mistakes are real and have consequences, yet it’s also a chance to reaffirm our commitment to do better.
Restoration is the step where we begin to take action to make things right. This could mean an apology, a change in behavior, or simply making peace with ourselves. As leaders, restoration often involves repairing trust and creating an environment where both we and our teams feel empowered to learn from missteps.
Finally, Renewal brings us back to the present, refreshed and ready to move forward. Renewal is where self-forgiveness truly takes root—it’s when we’re able to forgive ourselves, learn from the past, and re-engage with clarity and purpose. It’s the reset that allows us to return to our work with a clean slate and a healthier mindset.
Each step of the 4 R’s helps us approach self-forgiveness not as an escape from responsibility but as a pathway to adaptive, grounded leadership. When we forgive ourselves, we create the freedom to adapt, to pivot, and to step forward with a renewed perspective. Leaders who can forgive themselves don’t just learn; they continue to evolve. They understand that mistakes are part of the journey and that each one has something to teach.
And neuroscience supports this journey. When we hold onto guilt and self-blame, our brains burn through energy that could be better used. Research from Dr. Richard Davidson shows how self-criticism activates the brain’s stress mode, clouding our decision-making and draining us. When we forgive ourselves, though, we actually rewire our brains, shifting that energy from “I messed up” to “I’m ready for what’s next.” The change is powerful.
Even studies from the University of California reinforce this: people who practice self-forgiveness after mistakes can sustain higher focus and performance than those who don’t. For leaders, that’s critical. We’re constantly making decisions and need to be mentally sharp. Self-forgiveness keeps us flexible and ready for the challenges that come our way.
And here’s what’s beautiful—the ripple effect of self-forgiveness extends beyond us. We set a tone for everyone that says: “This is a space where mistakes are part of learning, not a reason to fear.” That shift opens up a culture where people can take risks, innovate, and pursue growth without the weight of fear and self-doubt.
For those of us looking to deepen our practice of self-forgiveness, here are some fantastic resources to guide you on this path:
Jack Kornfield’s Self-Forgiveness Meditation: Kornfield’s meditation uses mindfulness to guide us in releasing self-blame and embracing self-compassion. It’s gentle yet powerful—ideal for leaders looking to build an inner foundation of forgiveness. Watch it here
Guided Self-Forgiveness Practice: This 15-minute meditation helps us let go of regret and embrace personal accountability with compassion, making it easier to move forward without the burden of past mistakes. Watch it here
Marisa Peer’s 20-Minute Guided Forgiveness Meditation: In this session, Peer redefines forgiveness as a strength, fostering resilience and openness. It’s especially suited to leaders looking to break free from cycles of self-criticism. Watch it here
Compassion Flow Meditation: Designed for those struggling with self-forgiveness, this meditation creates a compassionate “flow” that helps us release mistakes and reconnect with a healthier self-view. It’s ideal for leaders practicing adaptive and empathetic leadership. Watch it here
Let’s challenge the old ideas of strength by embracing self-forgiveness. Remember, when we make room for self-forgiveness in our lives, we build space for lasting growth—for ourselves and everyone we lead.